Par for the course

Stockholm: city of mystery…and enchantment. No, wait. Just mystery.

Chotchsky calls it Anytown, USA, for reasons that will soon be abundantly clear. Going from Barcelona to dreary, cloudy, rainy, snowy, rude Sweden has been, well, miserable. For every tiny pro there is an avalanche of cons. Futbol begins to understand the unreasonably high suicide rates.

Things start going south at the Barcelona airport, even before boarding the plane. Chotchsky is suckered into a conversation with a drugged up, dreadlocked Swedish punk musician, which sounds awesome on paper but was terrible to witness. They keep going in circles, the Swede girl completely out of it, to the point where Chotchsky stops playing nice.

“I hate flying,” the girl would say.

“You’ll learn to love it,” Chotchsky would answer.

Eventually, the whole thing gets so weird that Chotchsky is forced to end the conversation. “This conversation is making me uncomfortable,” he tells her, while Futbol stifles his laughter.

The best part of the conversation comes when she asks Chotchsky what he’s doing these days for a living.

“Well, I’m coaching a swim team…working at a law clinic…”

[A young child runs shrieking past their row of seats.]

“…listening to boys scream…”

[Futbol perks up and lets out a loud “hah!”]

“…um, that didn’t come out right.”

The flight is smooth, over snowy mountain ranges, with Futbol listening to Dylan’s “Girl From The North Country” and getting emotional for a few seconds. Before they know it, they’ve touched down in the middle of the Swedish countryside.

Suffice to say that the two most-used catchphrases during their brief stay in Stockholm will be “just another day in Stockholm!” and “that’s about par for the course.”

 

PRO: Quaint rural airport with welcoming committee.

CON: Two baggage-sniffing police dogs, one crotch-sniffing police dog.

 

PRO: Funny words on signs like “fart” and “sida” and “vag”.

CONS: Unintelligible signs, unhelpful people, everyone’s busy running around being shrill and socially awkward.

 

PRO: The quietest subway trains in the world.

CON: A single ride ticket is four fucking euros. And Chotchsky and Futbol are forced to each get three-day passes for 20 euros. Terrible.

 

PRO: Currency rhymes with boner.

CON: Will you adopt the euro already? And why is everything so ridiculously expensive?

 

PRO: Clean streets, completely deserted at night.

CON: No nightlife whatsoever. And no prostitutes.

 

PRO: The hostel shower has a free body wash dispenser.

CON: Not only are the showers arranged prison-style, but a Swedish guy walks in a minute after Futbol and is done about five minutes before him thanks to famous Swedish industriousness, making everyone else feel inadequate.

 

PRO: Socialist economy, supposedly, resulting in no poors.

CON: So why is Stockholm completely overrun with McDonald’s, Burger King and 7-11 franchises? If it looks like capitalism and smells like capitalism, it must be capitalism.

 

PRO: Toilets have two flush buttons! (Ostensibly, one for number one and one for number two.)

CON: They seem to do the exact same thing.

 

PRO: British pubs.

CON: Their burgers taste like hot dogs. Do their hot dogs taste like burgers?

 

PRO: Delicious food like meatballs, salmon, crepes.

CON: Couldn’t find Swedish Fish anywhere in Sweden, so the question of what they are called here still remains.

 

PRO: Reindeer –  it’s what’s for dinner.

CON: Santa’s pushing his own sleigh this year.

 

PRO: Ice bar.

CON: It’s cold (duh) and it costs 18 euros to get in. And if your glass, which is made of ice, cracks and your drink seeps out onto the bar, NO REFUND (as Chotchsky found out the hard way).

 

PRO: If you’re lucky, you might be in town for Swedish National Day!

CON: All the hostels will be booked, and the celebrations will consist of a) afternoon balloon release, and b) standing around waiting for the king to come out to the balcony and wave.

 

PRO: Sun doesn’t set until 10 p.m.

CON: It snows in the summer. And everyone’s in bed before the sun goes down, anyway.

 

PRO: Trolleys have cafe cars, a genius idea.

CON: However, to ride said cafe car you must fork over six euros, which gets you a coffee and croissant. Oh, and no credit cards accepted. Oh, and no riding without consuming something.

 

PRO: Some people will actually give you directions.

CON: Those people will talk and act like child molesters.

 

PRO: Chotchsky’s Nordic looks make him fit right in.

CON: It’s all fun and games until a drunken Swede sticks his finger in Chotchsky’s face and says “YOU’RE one of those fah-king Danes, aren’t you!”

 

PRO: The protagonist of Philip Roth’s “American Pastoral”, a well-intentioned and loving family man, is named “The Swede” Levov.

CON: All Swedes are, in actuality, complete dicks.